Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
