Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
