Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
