the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
