enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Randomize