I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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