Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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