K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize