some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
