You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
