Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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