I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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