My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She bit a glass in half.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
