Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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