i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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