My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize