the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
