Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
