went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize