I cannot find my penis.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize