You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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