saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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