You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
