On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
