Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize