My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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