I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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