Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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