hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
