I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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