Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
