singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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