i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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