Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
