I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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