you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
