Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
