I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
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