you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
