Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
