Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I will pee on everything he values.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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