party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
