Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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