i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
