I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
