she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
