don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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