Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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