So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
