i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
