You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
