No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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