Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
