my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
