got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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