I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
