Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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