she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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