So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
