Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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