My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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